The encounter

"He who hides behind curtains"

"He who lurks beneath shadows"

"He whose might crushes all"

"He whose sight betrays yours"

"Who are you?"

"My, my, how impudent. Don't be so hasty, young lad. Ponder your words with care. A name carries a thousand burdens. So sure art thou to carry mine?"

"What's your name? Will I ever see you again?"

"I see now what they mean by sun set. In utter despair, in stories untold, in songs unsung, chivalry is naught"

"Here's a tip as to see how puzzled you are. Consider this a gift from havens above"

"Find a tongue that speaks of mine, thou will see the gem feasted for thy eyes"

"Wait, wait! Await, o love of mine"

"A bold try, and a good one. All is not for naught. To whom do I owe the honour of this speech?"

"M'accibus, My Lady"

"Ma'ccibus, what is bothering the heart of such a fine young man?

"Seek I your forgiveness I should, curse my seeking heart, it is you who set my heart restless"

"In the dark shroud hovering above, I seek of you to reveal yourself"

"One can not back down on one's words. Fine speech, young lad. It seems you and I shall meet again"

"My Lady!"

"Wilbeth. Wilbeth Shakespearette. Remember it well, for it is mine stage name. Till we meet again, I bid adieu, young masters and lads"

A soul with no name may act on any stage

Let every man be master of his time

                                  - William Shakespeare

Prithee, I beg thy!
Stay with me till the faraway sun sets
Or till the nightingales fly way above the mountains

Thee my heart's desire

Thee captured my heart
Like birds etched onto the dark, cloudless night

Thee stole it at a glance
With a hawk's might

Thee melt me inside
As nectar from a flower

Thee art mine desire
Thee art mine love

Pain

"Pain is The Obliterator"
"Why?"
"Because it obliterates everything else. You can only feel the pain, taste it, see it, hear it. It numbs your senses till nothing else is left"
"Yet you welcome it?"


Silence.


"I do"

"Why?"

"Because thanks to it, I can, even for a moment, forget everything else. I can put it all aside. I can pretend like nothing else matters. I can, be left alone"

"Yet you seek company?"



Silence.



"Yes"

"You're odd"

"But at least you're honest, so I guess you should turn out fine"

"I sure hope so"


"Why does it matter to you anyway?"

"What does?"

"The pain. It's not yours to bear. Why meddle affairs that're not yours to meddle with?"



"Because I care"

"Please, spare me your empathy"

"I am"



Staring into the darkness, silence greets me yet once again.



"Actually, you're the one who's odd, you know that?"

"I do"

"Odd"


"Think about it, I am you as you are I. We are one. Of course we share the same traits"

"Well said"

"We are the best companion we can have for each other. We'd never break apart. Because I live within you, in your innermost heart, in your deepest mind"
"Just remember, when the world turns you down, reach for me. I'll be there for you"


I am you, as you are I. We exist as one. We're the best companion we can ever have for each other.

P Ramlee

Keperitan yang ku rasai
Tangisan hati yang tidak terzahir
Jeritan batin yang tidak didengari

Tatkala ku terpandang seraut wajahmu
Tatkala suaramu menyapa gegendangku
Filem-filem mu menjadi pengubat rindu
Lagu dendanganmu ku layani, sayu
Alangkah bahagianya jika dapat aku

Bersua denganmu
Mendengar celotehmu
Gemersik suaramu
Hilai tawamu
Lesung pipitmu
Ah, sungguh aku rindu!

Kau jadikan sandiwara duniawi
Sebagai pentas untuk dikau berkarya
Alangkah bahagianya jika kita kan bisa bersua

Namun,
Ku mengerti
Tempatmu bukan di sini
Perjuanganmu sudah terhenti
Dikau kan lama sudah pergi

Walaupun perit kenyataan ini
Kami akur dengan janjimu pada Ilahi

Kata-katamu terngiang-ngiang di telinga ini
Tersemat rapi di hati
"Aku ingin hidup seribu tahun lagi"

Ingin ku jeritkan padamu
Bahawa Tuhan mendengar doamu
Engkau sudahpun hidup seribu tahun
Melalui ceteramu,
Melalui karyamu,
Melalui lawakmu,
Melalui kisahmu.

Jantungmu masih berdegup
Jiwamu masih bersama
Lagenda dunia,
P Ramlee.

Doodles of the wandering thought

The rush of adrenaline,
the rush of pleasure,
the guilt from a sin commited without regard,
seeps through my bones,
becomes my flesh and blood.

It was all i could do to not cry,
For as barren was the soil,
So was I.

Sticks and stones,
Revenge of old,
Stories that never knew,
The last words sung.

Strung onto the thread of Fate,
Binded together into a knowing knot,
Twisted so clever it shall not break,
But neither would it ever dissolve.

Strung onto peaks o' high
Right on the Devil's nigh
For it overlooked the storms
And seas of torment from above

And right there, was I
Staring onto the red, sunset sky
Burning my eyes with its sight
Oh God, ain't it so bright

As the colour turns velvet o' rich
I stared onto the ground, seemed to think
My my, how the bubbles danced
For feet as light as nymphs that fly

Wine drank from the finest roots
Woven into a fitting grail
Dance light through the night
Ignoring the chilly wind

Nor did anyone seem to realise, or care
Of the storms' threat kept at bay
Or the Devil's tricks in singsongs sung
Nor the molted roots at Death's say

In all the hours of day and night
Never have I saw them lost their might
Never have i so boldly asked
Though, what was it that they fright

In ice cold chills and winter's cringe
At melt down summer in its bane
Saw I for once, naught twice, for fey
Rests deep in dungeons pray

Bow down, its no pain
To suffer humour in their way
To listen as they brought their say
And stumble down the depth of hell

Stay high, and don't blame your fey
For it's your choice, again I say

Mama

Thinking back, I wished time would just stop. I wished I had the power to just stop the flow of time as easily as yanking the batteries out of the clock. I wished.... everything would just be on hold. 

But as tempting as it sounds, it just ain't possible. Life goes on. The world goes round. Now, even as i am writing this down, the sands of time falls down without end. I wished I had more time. I wish so every time. Regardless of how hard I do though, it never comes true.

" think positively. Even when you're facing a tough challenge up ahead, continue believing. Because everyone can just motivate, or do so much, but in the end, it's all you. Insha allah, you'll succeed if you can just change all the negativity in the world into something positive that works to your advantage"      

- Mama   

She was always a lot stronger than me. She was always my anchor. My mentor, my idol, my everything. It is quite strange, not having her around, with her wild dramas and all. I love her, with all my heart and soul. Nothing in the world can change this. I doubt I can love anyone else as much as I love her and dad. 

Love. It makes everything wrong and right in the state of total equilibrium. 

Echo of no return

Memory upon memory flooded my mind, blurring my eyes with the pools of pain.

My brother said something along these lines "Lucky you! You're not in boarding when you were in Form 1! You joined as a senior. You don't know how we juniors feel!"

Those words stopped me in my tracks, reminding me of the old days I had hoped to forget. Moments later, I find myself inside my car, staring out into the pelting rain. 
When did I get here? Whatever happened? 
Everyone was laughing at my dad's joke, playing around, goofing.
Suddenly everything seemed to be at slow motion, with me being the only awake character. The confusion increased as I was dragged down a tunnel of time, with every single memory crashing onto me like wave onto beach. I, helpless as a rat stuck in a trap, was being engulfed by the enormity of the hurl, drowned in a sea of emotions.
Everything went pitch black.

Waking up, I found myself stranded on a foreign yet strangely familiar field.
Rubbing my sore temples, I rose, only to find myself staring onto an empty piece of land. Regardless of the the fact that I do not have a single clue as in to why am I here, my heart did not feel absent. I was not in the least scared. It felt as if my heart knew all these things my mind doesn't. Strange as it sounds, I have to admit. At that particular point, I felt like I was.... home.

During the absence of sound, my ears were trained to pick up even the slightest hustle. Though thinking back, this was no 'slight hustle'. In this land of nothing ness, this was like a horn blaring from a near distance.

"Melayu tak mengaku melayu!", shouted the lady. 
Realising that the sound seemed to be coming from behind, my head instinctively spun around, feasting my eyes upon the sight of a 13 year old young girl, being scolded by her teacher. Her eyes, brimming slightly, shone with the fire of hate. Her small, petite lips trembled, as if begging for its right to defend its mistress. Her hands, decorated with small little calluses, gripped the pen ever so tightly. Her head fell back, revealing a grim, strong, brave, egoistic, determined expression. Apart from it all, what startled me most was the emptiness in her soul, so strong that it shone from within. Her demeanor, though silent as the hills, was overwhelming. The sadness in her heart reflected as clearly as a pond would the moon, despite her stone graved face. I touched my cheeks, surprised to find it wet. Without realisation, my heart had cried for her. My heart had cried for me. That first memory, a kick-start of my high school years. She was me. She was the memory that kept me on edge forever. She was the memory that caused all these trust issues, all these paranoias. She was me.

The whole class, despite their obvious disagreement, stood aside, poker-faced, unable to do or say anything. I walked into the class unnoticed. A sudden chill ran down my spine as I realised that I 'm just like a ghost, walking into a crowded hall as slithe as a snake. Staring onto her book, clean as any, I saw the upper left corner of the page tainted by a circle of dark, red ink. Realising that it was the root of the commotion, I bent in for a better view of the horrifying 'mistake'. 

As soon as the sight of it feasted my eyes, I fell back, stunned. I let loose a mad laugh, for I could not believe what I just witnessed. 
A whole entire class, lectured for an hour. A little girl around half the teacher's age, punished so severely, was called names, given a harsh public humiliation. All for the sake of a SPELLING ERROR?! Just because she spelled 'May' (as in the month, May) wrongly? Just because she spelled it in a language different than the one you're teaching? Just cause she spelled it in English?

Funny how they regard themselves so highly. Funny how they can call themselves 'educators' when the one they should trully 'educate' is their own self.

Don't get me wrong. I love the profession. Heck, coming from a long line of true educators, how can I not? But I often wonder, why me? Why do I always get picked on by the very people trained to protect me from harm? What did I do wrong? I recalled you being proud of my achievements. I recalled you saying these exact words, "Oh, she's my best writer". I recalled getting highest for your subject, almost all the time. I recalled representating, and winning, my class for that subject you taught. I recalled you using me for countless jobs, countless times. So again, pray tell me, why? Why? Why? 

Unfortunately, asked a million times, that single question would still leave a resonating echo with no reply. 

So, brother, let me tell you this. 
I have had my share.
I have endured all there is to endure.
I have gone through the worst of the worse.
I have been dumped to hell and back.
I have been hammered down by those who vowed to stand by me.
I have been cheated, lied to, betrayed.
I have lost all that was dear.
I have lost all that was mine.
So, honestly, is it too much to ask
For a serene, peaceful senior high?

Though you'd be good to remember,
That behind all these ,
Truth is,
This was only the beginning.

cheekbones

Ingat senang ke nak berubah macam tu je? It takes time, patience, tau. Don't say anything if you do not know anything. Actually, even if you do know, that still does not give you the right to say anything. I know, I'm trying my very best. Trust me, i am. Ask all those who knew me before, they'd all tell you! 
Heck, siapa je yang perfect in this bloody world? NO ONE. Unfortunately baby, that includes you. So, can you please, don't free free judge someone for their outward appearance? Whoever gave you the right to anyway?

We're all His servants. We're all equal. Tolong jangan angkat diri sendiri tu tinggi sangat boleh tak? Please, use your brain. Use your heart. Think. Feel. Don't just say something just like that. Thing was, I never asked you to be there in the first place. So when you made that decision, you should know what you're gonna face.

Yes, you are right. But niat tak menghalalkan cara. Just because you think you're already high up and perfect, that does not give you the right to control someone else's life. And cut the oh-i-feel-compelled crap. No you're not. And please just stop it with the feigned innocence and oh-i'm-just-saying-but-it's-all-up-to-you thing. Coz you never gave me a choice. You threatened EVERYONE for the sake of one. Your actions were wrong! No matter how 'noble' your intentions might be.

I never disturbed you. So lay off! Tolonglah. Daripada asal nak buat pahala terus dapat dosa lagi banyak. Yang tu tak sedar pula kan? I know, who am I to preach about what's wrong and what's right. But you might as well just realise that you're equally a nobody in stating whether or not that someone will get 'keberkatan' from Allah. The power to 'menentukan' was never yours nor anyone's to start with. 
Beristighfarlah banyak-banyak.
    

   " Ya Allah, I beg to you. Please, guide me so that i shall never stray from your path. But at the same time, I beg of you, give me the strength I need to survive your tests. Aminnnn"

Reminiscence

There's no use reminiscing the past. You just have to take whatever you have now, and start with whatever you have now. Of course, its always easier to start early. But then what if you've already started early? What if you had all that and you just threw it all away for reasons that you keep to yourself? Reasons not worth mentioning. Reasons not worth bringing up. Reasons not even worth explaining. What then?

They say, if you don't sacrifice something big, the prize's not going to be a luxurious one either. But it's hard, it's just so hard. It hurts so bad. You can't stop thinking, "what if?". As a human, you can't stop reminiscing. Its impossible. It seriously ain't easy. Yet again, if i learnt anything, it was to find your own paradise, within yourself. And one single advice. Get closer to Allah, only He can help you, in the toughest of times. Tough times don't last, tough people do.

You will learn soon enough, in the end.

" so verily, with every difficulty, there is relief. Verily, with every difficulty there is relief "

al-Insyirah ,  94:5, 94:6

NUKILAN SEORANG INSAN BIASA

Kadang kala kita terasa
hidup ini sungguh sempurna

Tidak sedarkah kita
akan senja yang menunggu di balik sana

Apakah kita 
terlalu sempurna
untuk tidak dimamah usia
untuk tidak merasa pahitnya
untuk tidak merasa sakitnya
erti sebuah penantian
erti kehinaan
erti kehancuran
erti pendustaan

Hebat sangatkah kita
yang hanya bergelar manusia
untuk menerima tanpa memberi
untuk tidak berada di sisi
untuk tidak menepati janji
untuk tidak berdoa lagi

Sudah lupakah kita
akan angkara siapa
kita masih bernyawa
kita masih berupaya
kita masih mampu merasa
nikmatnya hidup di alam fata morgana

Atau apakah sebenarnya
kita memang sudah lupa
tatkala kita berada di puncak dunia
mendongak ke cakerawala
sehinggakan kita sanggup 
memijak, menghina, dan mencerca
hamba-hamba Nya
di bawah sana

Renungkan sebentar
Jika hari ini kita berkuasa
Jika hari ini kita benar menaiki takhta
Jika hari ini kita menang semua bicara
Jika hari ini kita miliki segala

Tidak mungkinkah esok bakal kita 
hilang semuanya
begitu sahaja

Dunia ini ibarat roda
giat berputar di atas paksinya
menurut arahan yang Maha Esa

Kiranya ini nafas terakhir kita
Kiranya hari ini berakhirnya hidup kita di dunia
Kiranya hari ini kita celik tanpa nyawa
Kiranya hari ini hari penentu segala

Apakah kita sudah cukup hisabnya?
Apakah kita sudah puas di dunia?
Apakah kita sudah memohon kemaafan dari mereka yang dihina?
Apakah kita pasti
mereka yang selama ini
Kita pulau, kita buli
Masih bernafas untuk memaafkan kita?

Apakah sebabnya
kita terlampau selesa?

Apa sudah pastikah kita
akan sebuah rumah di firdaus Nya?

Atau apakah kita kan bersama
syaitan durjana dan penghuni neraka?

Ingatlah,
wahai pelakon-pelakon di pentas dunia
hidup ini hanya sementara
pinjaman semata
memaafi dan pintalah kemaafan
Menerima dan janganlah hadkan pemberian

Sesungguhnya,
Kita hanya insan biasa
Berpijak di atas bumi yang sama

Friendship

To have friends that do not care whether or not they are going to suffer from this friendship is just the best treasure you can ever have. If you have this kind of friendship, treasure it with your life. Because you're lucky enough to have it. My dad once said, "Allah is Great. Allah is Just. Allah would not give all the happiness in the world to one person and give all the sorrows in the universe to another. Friendships like this comes only once in a lifetime. You either get a better one after that, (if Allah wills it) or you just don't get any that can beat the first one. Treasure each and every moment of every friendship you own. Some are not as lucky as you are". 

Roller Coaster

Life is a roller coaster ride. its bumpy, exhilarating, and it leaves you gasping for air. You scream out your frustrations/anger/fears but at the end of the ride, you're bound to find yourself rejuvenated. 

But the most important thing of a roller coaster ride is to enjoy yourself while you're on it!

Author's note

My friend once told me, "You should start a blog"

Here I am now.

A picture is worth a thousand words
but what happens when you write a thousand words without a picture?

I can't take lovely, breathtaking shots.
I can't write to inspire.
I can't paint to awe others.
I don't sing like a nightingale.
I don't play for eavesdroppers.
I am but a lowly slave of Him, a vessel of no host.
I can't even say much about myself.
This is just a rough sketch, or call it whatever you may, of a bigger 'something'
and I don't even know what that something is.
From the heart, to the fingers, to the keyboard, and thanks to the whole physics concept, the world wide web. so..... yeah.

Thank you, in advance, for everything that's bound to happen that's worth thanking.

In all honesty, and till death do us apart,
Natasha Ariza

A Grandfather's Death Wish

"be the first, always. so when they ask, 'who is this girl?' 'Oh, she's the granddaughter of that old man on the hill'. *lights up cigarette. stay safe, and go up. don't look back, not even once"

those words ring in my ears, even to this day.

but pray tell me, what's the use?
you're not here! you're not here to see! you're not here with me!

i've gotten first so many times i lost count, but why? why aren't you here? why did you leave me? why??!!!

you may be up there, watching over, smiling to yourself. but i can't see you. i can't feel you. i can't hug you. i can't. do. anything. your smile, your warmth, you. yourself. that matters more than a thousand medals, a million certs.

7. what the heck could i have done at such an age? i know that Allah loves you more. but hey, i love you too! we all do! i still think of you! even to this very freaking day! so why? 

god give me the strength. to uphold your legacy. to withstand the pressure. to just keep going strong. for your sake. my wish. every single day.

i thought growing up would make me stronger. that's what they say. that's the 'normality' and what the 'statistics' and the 'polls' and the 'charts' say. 

so explain. why do tears still run down my cheeks? why do i still tremble? why do i still think of you? day and night. why? 

let me tell you why. YOU. MATTERED. TOO. MUCH. i miss you. but there's nothing. i. can. do. about. it. Coz you're gone. and you're not coming back. Ever.

Bound as we are to the ancient curse
One boy secured his destiny
For he was said to be the first
To break the code of eternity

Legend has it that under The Nile
Civilisation old lies fast asleep
For they were said to have steeds that fly
Far beneath the river deep

Far away, long ago
Glowing dimness an ember
Things my heart used to know
Things it yearns to remember

You're the missing puzzle i couldn't find
One that i just can't bear to lose
How could i have been so blind
You were the answer, the riddle, the clue

Look at how time passes
fast as the wind
Weird, you're still the saddest
memory that had ever been

From a little girl i've grown
but you weren't there to see
The seeds of sadness you've sown
and so continues, this misery

my inspirations

Yesterday, today , tomorrow. Three different days, three different lives, three different tastes. but in the end they're one and the same