A Mother's Bargain

My back hurts from scrubbing your stains
But this frailty is mine

My scars won't heal; ugly marks
Bear witness of a mother's sacrifice
I am mismatched pieces of broken pottery
To be seen, not held

These old feet runs
Breath hitching, ague catching
You, abashed; face scarlet red
Those pools of fiery hatred set ablaze

Tossed away
Not fast enough
Not good enough
No... never enough

This womb feels an absence
This child,
now recoils at my touch
These blistered hands
These are cracked clay; not love.

Your name runs over my chapped lips,
My head leadens with memories I once deserved
A son alike his father
A maiden in place of a mother

Candor runs that tongue
I am those words you throw around
I am  the weaver of my own desolation.

Earth

When the night gets silent
and the moon speaks louder then the birds through it's illuminating ray
and the sky shines with a thousand lights
and the rivers and lakes tempt to drown

And you look up at starry, vast, never-ending night sky
and you look up and you sigh

Oh how you wish this tranquility remains
untouched by man
undiminished by time
yet you realise
words are just words

And there are times where nothing just can be done
and there are times when doubt reigns
dark times where raindrops fall mercilessly
and teardrops are hidden

And then you think
These are times of war!
and then you realise
of death's call

However appalling the matter is
there are always souls who do not care
and those souls lie beside us
with us, within us

Applaud to the citizens of the world
for their never-ending contribution
to destroy this humble abode of ours

'Tis when all these are done and over with,
then and only then will all see
that the sky is just dark
for no light may decor a broken world

Run

It's unfair
how... the more that person is valued, the faster they leave
and how...
regardless of the constant reminder our heart gets,
they never fail to fall over and over again

stumble and fall
I know dark
rain is now accustomed to my existence
cold smiles, greets me yet again
warmth sees me walking away

I am back
I am here
I will stay
No. you're still running

I left, yes
I am back now.

your shadow is here
but your heart is high up in the sky
you are not here
you left a long time ago

I am not blaming anyone
I know better
the fault lies not in our stars

you are still running.

Zach Sobiech; A Tribute

"You don't need to know that you're dying to start living"

None had ever seemed happier
Nor more full of life
Nor more robust
Nor blessed
Than you

I guess we can never know the value of something unless it's gone

And for you, who have lost so much
And, at that time, were prepared to lose so much more
Was more willing than anyone to enjoy whatever time you have left

It may had started with a small intention
To leave a parting gift for your loved ones,
But oh how that small act turned out to be something big
Bigger, to the extend of saving other lives

How you would smile, up there in the clouds
If only you knew
And i am willing to bet that you do

I may not know you
I may have only heard of you a year after your passing
Your incredible journey may have only touched my heart now
But do know

Zach, you are an incredible human being
In life, during death, and now, even after you're gone
Your magic still touches people
Your extended hand is still reached towards
Your enormous presence can still be felt

Indeed, our hands don't fade away from the lives we've touched

And yours is still here, lingering, waiting, for those who need help
A beacon of hope
A smilling cloud

Cancer is a tough enemy
It's invincible, in a way
It was so unfair for you
Albeit all that, Zach, i guess we have to thank you for being alive

"I didn't want to lose to cancer. I want people to know, that I died fighting. That I didn't really lose. That I won, in some way" -Zach Sobiech

Respect

Its funny
Its hilarious
Its ironic

How people crave for respect, to the brink of forcing it out of someone.

But then, it loses all its value

No?

Obviously
This is a delicate matter

How I wish I have someone
to cry on
to tease
to smile at
to know...
that regardless of the never-ending storm
the sun's warmth would never leave me alone

but oh how
life would be
if I just had
that one person with me

Fret not.

Our love story is already written in the stars

Give Up

You can't give up before trying!

So are you saying that I can, under the condition that I tried?

You still can't. Giving up is for those with no hope. After that, all you can do is move on. But not once must you ever give up on life.

How ironic.
I can't give up before or after trying.
But if I tried and failed, I've got to move on. Isn't moving on a part of giving up?

No! Its.... different. Somehow...
It's just different. Don't ask too many questions!

I see. You can't even bother wasting 2 minutes to explain, huh? And yet you want me to not give up?

It's the right thing!

And who are you to segregate right and wrong?

Enough already! You've learnt to distinguish right and wrong since you were a child!

That's exactly the problem. We were taught to distinguish, not decide whether it was right or wrong.  We were taught what to think, not how to think.
The whole concept is wrong, don't you think so?

Enough!  I've had enough, talking to such an absurd child! 

Ironic indeed

#PrayForMH370

The solemn sky had turned pitch o' black
The blue sea is acursed
Rain drops now dance lightly on the earth
Mother Nature is crying with her might

It would be like tearing up one's own heart
To just try and imagine
The horror. The anguish.
'Tis the tragedy of deepest sorrow
'Tis the tragedy of greatest mystery

All shrouded well
Darkness overcame light

No one knows what happened
None to tell the story guarded by heaven
And so, now we pray

If it's broken, show us the remnants
If it's scarred, show us the wounds
If it's beneath, let us see
If it's safe, let us know

Prithee, God
If it's there, tell us where

LIGHTS

I'd be lying to actually say that I don't miss 'em. That world of glistening lights, bouquets, praises, standing ovations, and empowering music. It was indeed a fantasy dream you never want to wake up from. And yet I did. It was tough, it hurt, it hurts still. Countless times had I planned my return, my revival, and yet.... I always manage to stop myself. 

Sometimes, when you're up there so high, you can't seem to notice the cobwebs tangling you,, trapping you in an endless nightmare. And what's worse? The nightmare is you yourself. Birds are meant to fly as masters of the sky, and we mere mortals are meant to dwell on the barren earth... coz when you're flying as a master of the sky, or acting like one, you tend to forget all these precious gems you left in your absence.

That stage may be the place I'm most at ease. 

But it drags you away from Him. Before you realise it, you stop reciting prayers. Before you realise it, you stop reading His love letters, you stop pondering over His mighty words. You stop everything all together, just to make it in time to step under that spotlight. You might as well just stop breathing for all it's worth. 

It was fun, and I had my share. I just hope that the next time I step into that world again, it would be for Him and Him alone.

The encounter

"He who hides behind curtains"

"He who lurks beneath shadows"

"He whose might crushes all"

"He whose sight betrays yours"

"Who are you?"

"My, my, how impudent. Don't be so hasty, young lad. Ponder your words with care. A name carries a thousand burdens. So sure art thou to carry mine?"

"What's your name? Will I ever see you again?"

"I see now what they mean by sun set. In utter despair, in stories untold, in songs unsung, chivalry is naught"

"Here's a tip as to see how puzzled you are. Consider this a gift from havens above"

"Find a tongue that speaks of mine, thou will see the gem feasted for thy eyes"

"Wait, wait! Await, o love of mine"

"A bold try, and a good one. All is not for naught. To whom do I owe the honour of this speech?"

"M'accibus, My Lady"

"Ma'ccibus, what is bothering the heart of such a fine young man?

"Seek I your forgiveness I should, curse my seeking heart, it is you who set my heart restless"

"In the dark shroud hovering above, I seek of you to reveal yourself"

"One can not back down on one's words. Fine speech, young lad. It seems you and I shall meet again"

"My Lady!"

"Wilbeth. Wilbeth Shakespearette. Remember it well, for it is mine stage name. Till we meet again, I bid adieu, young masters and lads"

A soul with no name may act on any stage

Let every man be master of his time

                                  - William Shakespeare

Prithee, I beg thy!
Stay with me till the faraway sun sets
Or till the nightingales fly way above the mountains

Thee my heart's desire

Thee captured my heart
Like birds etched onto the dark, cloudless night

Thee stole it at a glance
With a hawk's might

Thee melt me inside
As nectar from a flower

Thee art mine desire
Thee art mine love

Pain

"Pain is The Obliterator"
"Why?"
"Because it obliterates everything else. You can only feel the pain, taste it, see it, hear it. It numbs your senses till nothing else is left"
"Yet you welcome it?"


Silence.


"I do"

"Why?"

"Because thanks to it, I can, even for a moment, forget everything else. I can put it all aside. I can pretend like nothing else matters. I can, be left alone"

"Yet you seek company?"



Silence.



"Yes"

"You're odd"

"But at least you're honest, so I guess you should turn out fine"

"I sure hope so"


"Why does it matter to you anyway?"

"What does?"

"The pain. It's not yours to bear. Why meddle affairs that're not yours to meddle with?"



"Because I care"

"Please, spare me your empathy"

"I am"



Staring into the darkness, silence greets me yet once again.



"Actually, you're the one who's odd, you know that?"

"I do"

"Odd"


"Think about it, I am you as you are I. We are one. Of course we share the same traits"

"Well said"

"We are the best companion we can have for each other. We'd never break apart. Because I live within you, in your innermost heart, in your deepest mind"
"Just remember, when the world turns you down, reach for me. I'll be there for you"


I am you, as you are I. We exist as one. We're the best companion we can ever have for each other.

P Ramlee

Keperitan yang ku rasai
Tangisan hati yang tidak terzahir
Jeritan batin yang tidak didengari

Tatkala ku terpandang seraut wajahmu
Tatkala suaramu menyapa gegendangku
Filem-filem mu menjadi pengubat rindu
Lagu dendanganmu ku layani, sayu
Alangkah bahagianya jika dapat aku

Bersua denganmu
Mendengar celotehmu
Gemersik suaramu
Hilai tawamu
Lesung pipitmu
Ah, sungguh aku rindu!

Kau jadikan sandiwara duniawi
Sebagai pentas untuk dikau berkarya
Alangkah bahagianya jika kita kan bisa bersua

Namun,
Ku mengerti
Tempatmu bukan di sini
Perjuanganmu sudah terhenti
Dikau kan lama sudah pergi

Walaupun perit kenyataan ini
Kami akur dengan janjimu pada Ilahi

Kata-katamu terngiang-ngiang di telinga ini
Tersemat rapi di hati
"Aku ingin hidup seribu tahun lagi"

Ingin ku jeritkan padamu
Bahawa Tuhan mendengar doamu
Engkau sudahpun hidup seribu tahun
Melalui ceteramu,
Melalui karyamu,
Melalui lawakmu,
Melalui kisahmu.

Jantungmu masih berdegup
Jiwamu masih bersama
Lagenda dunia,
P Ramlee.

Doodles of the wandering thought

The rush of adrenaline,
the rush of pleasure,
the guilt from a sin commited without regard,
seeps through my bones,
becomes my flesh and blood.

It was all i could do to not cry,
For as barren was the soil,
So was I.

Sticks and stones,
Revenge of old,
Stories that never knew,
The last words sung.

Strung onto the thread of Fate,
Binded together into a knowing knot,
Twisted so clever it shall not break,
But neither would it ever dissolve.

Strung onto peaks o' high
Right on the Devil's nigh
For it overlooked the storms
And seas of torment from above

And right there, was I
Staring onto the red, sunset sky
Burning my eyes with its sight
Oh God, ain't it so bright

As the colour turns velvet o' rich
I stared onto the ground, seemed to think
My my, how the bubbles danced
For feet as light as nymphs that fly

Wine drank from the finest roots
Woven into a fitting grail
Dance light through the night
Ignoring the chilly wind

Nor did anyone seem to realise, or care
Of the storms' threat kept at bay
Or the Devil's tricks in singsongs sung
Nor the molted roots at Death's say

In all the hours of day and night
Never have I saw them lost their might
Never have i so boldly asked
Though, what was it that they fright

In ice cold chills and winter's cringe
At melt down summer in its bane
Saw I for once, naught twice, for fey
Rests deep in dungeons pray

Bow down, its no pain
To suffer humour in their way
To listen as they brought their say
And stumble down the depth of hell

Stay high, and don't blame your fey
For it's your choice, again I say

Mama

Thinking back, I wished time would just stop. I wished I had the power to just stop the flow of time as easily as yanking the batteries out of the clock. I wished.... everything would just be on hold. 

But as tempting as it sounds, it just ain't possible. Life goes on. The world goes round. Now, even as i am writing this down, the sands of time falls down without end. I wished I had more time. I wish so every time. Regardless of how hard I do though, it never comes true.

" think positively. Even when you're facing a tough challenge up ahead, continue believing. Because everyone can just motivate, or do so much, but in the end, it's all you. Insha allah, you'll succeed if you can just change all the negativity in the world into something positive that works to your advantage"      

- Mama   

She was always a lot stronger than me. She was always my anchor. My mentor, my idol, my everything. It is quite strange, not having her around, with her wild dramas and all. I love her, with all my heart and soul. Nothing in the world can change this. I doubt I can love anyone else as much as I love her and dad. 

Love. It makes everything wrong and right in the state of total equilibrium. 

Echo of no return

Memory upon memory flooded my mind, blurring my eyes with the pools of pain.

My brother said something along these lines "Lucky you! You're not in boarding when you were in Form 1! You joined as a senior. You don't know how we juniors feel!"

Those words stopped me in my tracks, reminding me of the old days I had hoped to forget. Moments later, I find myself inside my car, staring out into the pelting rain. 
When did I get here? Whatever happened? 
Everyone was laughing at my dad's joke, playing around, goofing.
Suddenly everything seemed to be at slow motion, with me being the only awake character. The confusion increased as I was dragged down a tunnel of time, with every single memory crashing onto me like wave onto beach. I, helpless as a rat stuck in a trap, was being engulfed by the enormity of the hurl, drowned in a sea of emotions.
Everything went pitch black.

Waking up, I found myself stranded on a foreign yet strangely familiar field.
Rubbing my sore temples, I rose, only to find myself staring onto an empty piece of land. Regardless of the the fact that I do not have a single clue as in to why am I here, my heart did not feel absent. I was not in the least scared. It felt as if my heart knew all these things my mind doesn't. Strange as it sounds, I have to admit. At that particular point, I felt like I was.... home.

During the absence of sound, my ears were trained to pick up even the slightest hustle. Though thinking back, this was no 'slight hustle'. In this land of nothing ness, this was like a horn blaring from a near distance.

"Melayu tak mengaku melayu!", shouted the lady. 
Realising that the sound seemed to be coming from behind, my head instinctively spun around, feasting my eyes upon the sight of a 13 year old young girl, being scolded by her teacher. Her eyes, brimming slightly, shone with the fire of hate. Her small, petite lips trembled, as if begging for its right to defend its mistress. Her hands, decorated with small little calluses, gripped the pen ever so tightly. Her head fell back, revealing a grim, strong, brave, egoistic, determined expression. Apart from it all, what startled me most was the emptiness in her soul, so strong that it shone from within. Her demeanor, though silent as the hills, was overwhelming. The sadness in her heart reflected as clearly as a pond would the moon, despite her stone graved face. I touched my cheeks, surprised to find it wet. Without realisation, my heart had cried for her. My heart had cried for me. That first memory, a kick-start of my high school years. She was me. She was the memory that kept me on edge forever. She was the memory that caused all these trust issues, all these paranoias. She was me.

The whole class, despite their obvious disagreement, stood aside, poker-faced, unable to do or say anything. I walked into the class unnoticed. A sudden chill ran down my spine as I realised that I 'm just like a ghost, walking into a crowded hall as slithe as a snake. Staring onto her book, clean as any, I saw the upper left corner of the page tainted by a circle of dark, red ink. Realising that it was the root of the commotion, I bent in for a better view of the horrifying 'mistake'. 

As soon as the sight of it feasted my eyes, I fell back, stunned. I let loose a mad laugh, for I could not believe what I just witnessed. 
A whole entire class, lectured for an hour. A little girl around half the teacher's age, punished so severely, was called names, given a harsh public humiliation. All for the sake of a SPELLING ERROR?! Just because she spelled 'May' (as in the month, May) wrongly? Just because she spelled it in a language different than the one you're teaching? Just cause she spelled it in English?

Funny how they regard themselves so highly. Funny how they can call themselves 'educators' when the one they should trully 'educate' is their own self.

Don't get me wrong. I love the profession. Heck, coming from a long line of true educators, how can I not? But I often wonder, why me? Why do I always get picked on by the very people trained to protect me from harm? What did I do wrong? I recalled you being proud of my achievements. I recalled you saying these exact words, "Oh, she's my best writer". I recalled getting highest for your subject, almost all the time. I recalled representating, and winning, my class for that subject you taught. I recalled you using me for countless jobs, countless times. So again, pray tell me, why? Why? Why? 

Unfortunately, asked a million times, that single question would still leave a resonating echo with no reply. 

So, brother, let me tell you this. 
I have had my share.
I have endured all there is to endure.
I have gone through the worst of the worse.
I have been dumped to hell and back.
I have been hammered down by those who vowed to stand by me.
I have been cheated, lied to, betrayed.
I have lost all that was dear.
I have lost all that was mine.
So, honestly, is it too much to ask
For a serene, peaceful senior high?

Though you'd be good to remember,
That behind all these ,
Truth is,
This was only the beginning.

cheekbones

Ingat senang ke nak berubah macam tu je? It takes time, patience, tau. Don't say anything if you do not know anything. Actually, even if you do know, that still does not give you the right to say anything. I know, I'm trying my very best. Trust me, i am. Ask all those who knew me before, they'd all tell you! 
Heck, siapa je yang perfect in this bloody world? NO ONE. Unfortunately baby, that includes you. So, can you please, don't free free judge someone for their outward appearance? Whoever gave you the right to anyway?

We're all His servants. We're all equal. Tolong jangan angkat diri sendiri tu tinggi sangat boleh tak? Please, use your brain. Use your heart. Think. Feel. Don't just say something just like that. Thing was, I never asked you to be there in the first place. So when you made that decision, you should know what you're gonna face.

Yes, you are right. But niat tak menghalalkan cara. Just because you think you're already high up and perfect, that does not give you the right to control someone else's life. And cut the oh-i-feel-compelled crap. No you're not. And please just stop it with the feigned innocence and oh-i'm-just-saying-but-it's-all-up-to-you thing. Coz you never gave me a choice. You threatened EVERYONE for the sake of one. Your actions were wrong! No matter how 'noble' your intentions might be.

I never disturbed you. So lay off! Tolonglah. Daripada asal nak buat pahala terus dapat dosa lagi banyak. Yang tu tak sedar pula kan? I know, who am I to preach about what's wrong and what's right. But you might as well just realise that you're equally a nobody in stating whether or not that someone will get 'keberkatan' from Allah. The power to 'menentukan' was never yours nor anyone's to start with. 
Beristighfarlah banyak-banyak.
    

   " Ya Allah, I beg to you. Please, guide me so that i shall never stray from your path. But at the same time, I beg of you, give me the strength I need to survive your tests. Aminnnn"